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I always figured I’d be a Mama to 4 maybe 5 kids one day, but as the years have passed and our babies have become bigger with our eldest nearly turning six and our twins having just turned four. The less likely it seemed we’d add to our family, we felt complete, like everyone that needed to be here was already here.
After having twins I certainly was in no rush to add anymore to our family, with the highly probability of us conceiving twins again it felt crazy to even consider it. But then what if we tried and we landed with a singleton what would the age gap be? How would a single baby fit with the other three who come as a tight banded trio? It plagued me to consider all the pros and cons of adding anymore to our family.
So we decided we’d leave it to fate to decide if it happened it happened and we’d be ok and work around it, and if it didn’t well we’re incredibly fortunate to already have three beautiful healthy babies.
We’ve put all our time and effort into working for ourselves, pushing what Kris does to the forefront and focusing on conferences and gigs, along with family life and what we wanted from our lives. We figured in reality we’d probably never add to our family now the age gaps would be big between our already here children and a hypothetical child, especially given how close our three are.
And then I was late, that plus sign hit me like a tonne of bricks. Don’t get me wrong I was happy we would be adding another little person but my gosh it was such a curve ball, we had so many dates in the diaries for work up until the end of December, including a potential overseas trip! Our house is already tight on space and both our cars only hold 5 people each.
We both felt the stress and strain of how we were gonna do this! But at the same time, ok we’ve left it to fate and fate decided so we’ll be ok, and the kids will adore a younger sibling.
By the time we’d faffed about with making a date to see the midwives, which was over 4 weeks away. Popped to the store to get prenatal vitamins and tried to refocus on work, how was we still gonna do this with another little person? And tried to elevate the stress of potentially needing to move house and searching for a bigger car.
Then whilst at a conference I started spotting, I felt like the rug had been pulled from under me. We phoned the hospital who advised we see A&E who said “it does happen, and is often normal in early pregnancy” at this time we were 6 weeks gestational and 4 weeks actual, we were told to phone the Early Pregnancy Unit who wouldn’t be able to see us for another 4 days! Those days were incredibly long and agonising!
When we got to EPU I had a scan, which showed a gestational sac but nothing else, I was offered an internal scan but was told they probably couldn’t see much more and it was personal choice as to wether I had it. So I declined and chose to wait. The reason I was spotting was more clear as there was evidence of quite a large hematoma next to the gestational sac. I was sent for a blood test to check HCG levels.
Later that day we had a phone call to say my HCG levels were high, and we’d need to come back for more bloods in 48 hours. The following day 31st October we were called again only this time, the nurse was shitty, and said we had to go in and have an internal scan, which I should have had the day before. I explained that maybe they should have made that more clear instead of making it sound like I had a choice! Why say it’s your choice if it really isn’t?
So the kids were sent back to my Mums, I was desperate to get back to them as they were trick or treating for the first time which doesn’t sound that important but I’d promised them so much for this half term and as yet I hadn’t managed to deliver on anything! I was feeling like a failure all round!
Back in for another scan, done by a really lovely lady. She couldn’t see much more in the internal scan other than the gestational sac wasn’t round anymore it was more elongated, which could mean it wasn’t viable, we were basically facing a none viable pregnancy I was miscarrying and yet nobody wanted to say it.
I knew it, deep down I knew it was over.
In this scan only a day later we could see that most of the hematoma had broken up, I was now stop starting in bleeding after passing clots the night before, I’d already figured this just wasn’t meant to be, I was sad at the prospect of not getting to hold that tiny freshly made squishy, full of that delectable newborn scent, listening to their soft snuffles as they sleep, and getting to see how the other kids adore and love another little person. But I had to just keep telling myself it’s fine, it wasn’t meant to be, I couldn’t fall apart right now.
Another blood test revealed my HCG wasn’t dropping as much as they wanted, so I was admitted to hospital first needing emergency surgery, then it could wait until morning and then the doctors would reassess in the morning!
I needed more bloods doing so a cannula was put in my left arm, which the Doctor then decided it was probably likely to swell there, so pulled it out and put it to the other arm!
The stress of being away from my babies was really starting to get to me! I hadn’t seen them properly since Wednesday and it was now Friday night. The stay in hospital was excruciating, the bed was so uncomfortable my back, hips and knees were hurting so much from the pressure of how hard the bed was I could have cried. I had zero sleep due to the constant noise, and coming and going of staff. And to top it all I was nil by mouth from midnight, and hadn’t had dinner the night before. I was so hungry by the time 10am came, I felt dizzy and sick from lack of sleep, stress and hunger.
The Doctors came and decided as I wasn’t presenting with any serious pain or problems they’d let me go and I’d just need to come back for blood tests to check how the HCG levels were doing.
The sticky plaster they put round the cannula left an aggressive red mark and hurt so much coming off I wanted to cry. My arm was a mess for over a week after this.
I could at least eat something except they had nothing available for me to eat, including zero fruit! It’s appalling they can’t cater for none meat none dairy eaters! Especially given EVERYONE can eat that!
So I had a coffee and waited for Kris to arrive to take me home so I could finally eat something.
Back to hospital the following day for more bloods to be done, more waiting around the kids had stayed at my moms to give me time to rest. I was desperate to see them and just wanted all this to be over with.
My bloods were dropping slowly, they’d let me go home and hope it all ended naturally. I had to just keep telling myself it’s fine, it wasn’t meant to be, I couldn’t fall apart right now.
Over the next few days I spent time meditating and focusing on self love to help heal and move us through this difficult time, I spent time doing things I would normally do along with plenty of rest. What this whole thing has shown me is that I am eternally grateful for being with my soul mate, my best friend the love of my life who can help me get through anything, and our three beautiful children who all came bounding into earth side with zero complications. And just hugging my babies and having them close.
I’ve been back and forth to the hospital so many times we’re racked up over £40 in parking fees, and my arms are mess from constant blood tests, my veins feel sore.
We’ve decided with how hard, stressful and painful mentally this has been, we probably wont be trying again. This is where our family stops, I personally cannot go through all this again, and the time spent away from the kids has been really hard, especially when my littlest boy is upset he can’t see me. For us we have more than we could wish for and we’ll cherish every moment, and not take any of it for granted. Littlest Bean would have made a wonderful addition to our family, but for me, us and the kids I couldn’t put us through it again just to try in the hope we might gain another beautiful addition.
I honestly cannot imagine what it is like to go through this more than once and especially when it’s your first child you’re trying to conceive, the strength it takes to try time and again is incredible and for those Mama’s you have my love and thoughts for all eternity.
We do really have to be thankful for the NHS the staff are under tremendous pressure, but I honestly couldn’t imagine how much more stressful this all would have been had we had to try to find the money to cover the costs.
It’s now been four weeks since that conference and the bleeding started, I feel broken and tired mentally and physically, I haven’t really had much time to just stop and process everything, I’ve had to just jump straight back into back to school and after school activities. Between hospital visits, school runs, the boys having norovirus and working away I’ve hardly slept.
I thought I was coping just fine but now the hospital visits are over it’s hit me that we’ve lost our fourth baby, and I’m not sure what to do with all this.
What an incredible vulnerable, authentic piece of writing, thank you so much for sharing your experience so honestly. My own last miscarriage was emotionally devastating, and I’m sure was one precursor to getting breast cancer, because the whole experience was handled on my own, closing the (wrong) relationship that had produced it. And as you said, without any children or partner to support me through it. Reading your experience here gave me the strength to revisit that memory with fresh perspectives, at a much happier time of my life. Thank you for this and thank you for sharing your family life on this blog Xx
Thank you for reading, and sharing your own experiences. I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure two traumatic experiences alone, support helps massively, but it feels like there’s so much shame surrounding miscarriage, we don’t want to ask for help from our fellow ladies. I’m grateful and saddened by having ladies in my life who have been through it too, who have been a huge support during all this. I’m glad you’re at a happier point in life and can revisit your experiences, much love Nicci xx
Love you 😘 xxx
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