Flip that humanity switch…

I’ll start with that I love Vampire Diaries, and when they go rogue and say they’ve turned off their humanity switch, I get that, I feel that.

Over the years I’ve felt several times like my humanity switch has been switched off, I feel nothing, I have nothing to offer. I’m just empty going through day to day existence barely even noticing I’m even here. It always seems to follow trauma, as if it’s a survival tactic that my subconscious understands and just does automatically. I only notice or rather realise when met with a situation I really should be feeling something for.

During these days of emptiness I become nihilistic, I have very little tolerance for anyone and I literally don’t care about anything or anyone around me.

I noticed maybe a week or so ago that it had happened, and it must have been during my miscarriage whilst trying to focus on the nurses and doctors and not falling apart, that somewhere in the deep dark recesses of my mind, it decided it would be best to switch off all feelings so I could better handle the situation. I’ll be honest there were times when I thought how am I not upset by this? And I figured that having 3 small children and the busy everyday comings and goings they bring I just hadn’t had time to sit and go over what happened.

During a messy argument over something an ex friend sent to me, which I wont go in to, it hit me just how little I cared about how anyone felt and just how much out for blood I was, how much I desperately wanted to tear someone apart. I couldn’t locate a single feeling of love for another human inside me, I was cold and dead inside.

To get back to “me” normal albeit slightly broken but empathetic and emotionally (mostly) intact me, I have to delve deep inside the darkest parts of my mind to the parts that if opened completely can totally destroy me.

When I was 16 and still fighting to come to terms with the death of my brother I listened to Love Metal by HIM constantly, and I focused so much energy there that somehow I managed to store all the grief and the pain deep within those songs, as if I could physically transfer it from myself and in to something else. I find it hard to listen to the album properly now because of this.

When I feel nihilistic and like my humanity switch has been flipped, I have to go back put those songs on and focus to re find that grief, that pain I buried so long ago to try to unlock the closed off feelings of now, and just hope I don’t get destroyed by the weight of it all, but at least or I hope at least I can feel something again.

Now I’m not depressed, I have been and I’m no longer there. Mental health is not black & white it very much sits in the grey spectrum, I don’t consider seeking help when I feel like this (it rarely happens) because I don’t want or need antidepressants, and I’ve never met a counsellor who’s actually been a help to me. I use writing, music and meditation to help reset my mind and get myself back on track, that works for me. For you, you may need to talk to someone so do that, you may need antidepressants so do that, do what ever you need to do to make things better for you.

Much Love

Nicci x

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