Anxiety is destroying me!
Anxiety has kicked my ass well and truly the last 10 months, since quitting my job actually the need to make more time for the kids and regain our weekends I assumed out weighed the need for me to go to work. What I actually failed to take in to account was, what work gave me, a purpose, stability, routine, support, other adults to talk to who I was close to, who understood and offered up advice outside of what those closest to me could offer.
In fact I had more chance of telling work colleagues about anxiety than I was my best friends, why? Because they were close enough to know family life but far enough away that they were willing to offer the advice and not see it as an attack on our relationship or whatever.
Quitting my job was meant to be a chance for us a family to enjoy doing things together on a weekend, when I would have otherwise been at work. But obviously anxiety has seen to that on more than one occasion! I figured work was just about the money and we could survive on what Kris earns so I didn’t need the money, but then I gained guilt from not helping to support our family financially, which loaded more anxiety in to the mix.
It’s just not feasible me going to work in a normal 9-5 job, not with how Kris works he can be here for long periods of time or he can be all over the place, like earlier this year he was in Japan, which spanned over two weekends trying to then get childcare is just more hassle for us. I did it a few years back I worked two jobs over 6 days a week, whilst also doing access support for Kris whilst he was working on a project for a theatre company, some days I was waking up in one part of the UK, doing the access support for the day and then travelling home just in time to start my evening job! And only having Sunday off. The kids were always being ferried between myself, Kris and my Mum, whilst also occasionally having friends stay with the kids so I could leave for work before Kris came home. Which of course caused behavioural issues with them, because they never saw us, and had too many people in the mix.
So now here I am minus a job, some would say in the perfect position I don’t HAVE to work, and the kids are now nearly 4 and nearly 6 which means D goes into year 1 in September and the twins are still in nursery for another 10 months from September 3 hours every single day Monday to Friday.
So what am I whining about huh?
Who the fuck knows! I keep loosing sight of the fact I should be utilising this time to learn something new, continue honing the skills I developed between college and university and focus heavily on my journey of becoming anxiety free, through meditation, exercise, relaxation and mindfulness.
I gave up my gym membership not so long ago, why? Because I figured it was costing too much and I couldn’t go very often, when in fact the real problem was I didn’t MAKE time to go very often! I have this annoying habit where I’ll go ‘right tomorrow I’m gonna drop the kids to school and pop to my Mums and then we could pop to the local garden centre, oh damn that means I don’t have time to go to the gym now!’
Why can’t I go to the gym as soon as I drop the kids off? How long am I planning on going for? Honestly I could be in the gym by 9:10am if I’m planning on meeting my Mum after then forego the swim for another day, and head to hers for 10am the twins don’t finish until 11:50am, the garden centre is literally 5 minutes from her house which is also 5 minutes from the school! So how don’t I have time?
We’ve reinstated my membership and honestly since going back I feel so much better! I really love going to the gym, for a swim and a sauna, I do really love being a member of a spa, it makes me feel so relaxed I can’t believe I ever thought I didn’t need it! The cost of the membership is insignificant in the grand scheme of things, me being mentally stable and ok to live life is more important than how much the membership costs. And I get it it’s ok saying that if you can afford it, but what if you can’t? I get it there were many years I could only dream of being able to afford to have membership at somewhere like the spa we’re at. But you do what works for you, meditation is a HUGE resource and you can find that on YouTube, going for a walk, or a run or doing a work out in your living room is better than doing nothing. What it really takes is motivation and being able to follow through regularly, this I struggle with mostly because sometimes I can’t leave the house, or anxiety induced vertigo side swipes me for days on end meaning I can’t drive.
This whole lack of being proactive against anxiety is really boring me now, and anxiety is winning! I’m already dosed up on medication for anxiety and vertigo and anti sickness powdered sachets. It’s always a fight isn’t it? I refuse to loose though. I owe my kids that much, they need to see that mental health is just as important as physical health.
Also published on Medium.